My plan for this year was to take everything by storm but I would be lying if I didn’t sy that this year really jumped out at me in a way that I never expected it to. They say God never gives you more than you can handle but in the past month I’ve learnt that God loves to pour onto us a lot more than our human bodies, minds and hearts can bare so that we can lean on his Spirit that is our crutch. I have had to deal with life threatening situations in my family, added responsibilities, the work load of a medical student and internal battles of confronting the past in order to move on to my future. It doesn’t sound like a lot and I wouldn’t go into detail because I have nothing to prove but I will tell you that it is more than I can handle. I’ve been waiting to get out of this phase of feeling like I’ve been more or less struggling and have been waiting for life to go back to being less imperfect than it is but I had a conviction. It’s so easy for us to write and encourage people when everything is rosy and sweet but what about in the times when you have gone through periods of crying yourself to sleep and you’re only slowly starting to heal but still possessing symptoms of brokenness? Even though I am mentally exhausted from overthinking about God’s will for my life, physically exhausted in trying to be in more than one place at a time and emotionally exhausted from carrying weights of condemnation from mistakes I made before I was a teenager and second-guessing who I am , my Spirit is still willing to keep going because I may once in a while find it hard to be assured in who I am, but I know that my hope is stemmed from who I belong to.
I’ve been reading Zechariah discontinuously for about two months now and for some reason I felt like writing a letter to myself based on all I learnt about who I am and who I belong to.
Once again you find yourself in a place where you see yourself no better than the Israelites who always seemed to reject God. You also did that in the way you lived. You rejected God when you entertained lustful desires when you were a young child and lived in denial all your life. You rejected God in your insecurity as you lived in fear of past, future and present so always occupied your mind with distractions to keep you from seeing that your life was not free. You rejected God in your frustration at life and yourself every time you did something wrong and covered it with sand because you thought it was too perfect to be seen. When you degraded his temple with your unholy activities, when you let worry become your idol, when you doubted the significance of his people in your life, in all these occasions, you rejected God and he knows that you did. Note to self, God is not angry at you. Once you were broken away from his favour and union but never forget that he is with you. You are more than forgiven, you have been snatched out of fire and redeemed like an exile that has been called home to live as a king. You are special to God and he is building you up according to his standards of righteousness. It may seem hard but keep building. He has given you the desire and will to do what pleases him and every time you feel your desires are being changes, call him and he will help you. Be strong! That means that even in your weakest moments, rely on the Spirit of the Lord because from there stems peace and prosperity. Be patient and wait for God to send rain when your life looks a bit dry and things don’t seem to be growing. Allow him to change you. Don’t be afraid to be honest with God about your past or present because he already knows, he just needs you to let him in. Don’t be afraid of construction. You’re a work in progress. Sometimes the process seems long and hard but in every area that God is building you, he is making you unshakeable. Trust in the security of his promises and that your salvation is being worked out. God is getting rid of those weights that make you cry yourself to sleep sometimes and make you feel weak in prayer and he is building strength in you. You are not alone. I know people have disappointed you but there are people who care about you. Cry, call, talk and be okay not being okay. Be real with yourself and others. Stop faking your smile and just pray to God or ask to be prayed for. Stop living in denial. Confront the past, let God invade the present and focus your eyes on his love to guide you to the future. You can only be you and the you God made is not rejected, torn down or distraught. She is a loud laughing, joyful singing, strong fighting broken spirit who through the power of God is still strong in weakness. Trust in the Lord with all your heart because he is not and never will be done with you.
Every time I hear this song, it reminds me that regardless of where i’m at and how I feel, who I am is not defined by my position in life but the direction of my worship. He has called us his own. I hope someone is encouraged.